IMHO
and i, meself
missty_blue
Just a little aside in my honest opinion, this is not the way to tell someone that you think they are fat:

"Are you gaining your weight back?  I think you are.  Yes, you are. I can see it.  That gown used to fall off of you.  Now it fits."

Yeah, okay mom.

First things first.  It is not my weight. It is the weight. It is not my property.  It doesn't belong to me, and I don't want it.

Secondly, perhaps if you had stopped putting my cotton gown in the dry on desert sand settings, it would still fit.  When I bought it, it fit perfectly.  It was about two minutes from my ankles.  Now, it's about 20 minutes from my knees.  Of course you can see more of me.

Recovery Part Two
and i, meself
missty_blue
Long story a little shorter - they think the infection is coming from the filter that was put in me in 2009 after I got the second set of clots in my right lung.  Big Finish - In six weeks they will test my blood again.  If the bacteria is still there they have to operate to remove the filter, and put in a new one.  If they have to operate, there is a 95% chance I will die.  Say La Vee.  (ha ha)




I gained more than 80 pounds when they pumped the water in me.  I was discharged from Kaiser after 10 days and spent the next four weeks at county hospital  (no insurance).   No computer. No Reremouse.  No Xander, Spike or Angel.   AAAaaaahhhhhh!


I am now a guest at my mother's house.  I caught a look of myself in the hall mirror.  Yuck.  And oh no.  Truly I want to go ahead and stop this incredibly hard struggle right now.  This is beyond self pity and the "not fair"  woe is me line.  It is so hard to walk.   I am so swollen from the waist down.  I am three times my regular size.  Three Times!  I can't fit any of my clothes or shoes.  My skin is stretched so tight that it is actually tearing.  And the pain.  The pain.

I can't do this.  I can't.  I was told that it would be  a long, long time til I'm back to where I was before this.  The clots are "very extensive, and far too many to count in both legs."  I also seem to have one very long and solid clot in each leg that is "like a broom and extends from just beneath the filter below the ribs down to your toes."

I was depressed and crying and my mother told me that all I had to do was eat right and go on her diet and I would lose the weight.  I just have to decide that I want to and it will happen for me like it happened for her.  As soon as  I was tired of looking like this.  (She does the FAA - food addicts anonymous)

She seems to think it is the cure all for everything.  Why do I get the feeling that if I came to her and told her that I was pregnant without benefit of a husband she would sit me down and tell me that I need to start her diet plan and everything would be just peachy.





Recovery
and i, meself
missty_blue
Well here I am.  Back to my computer finally.  And to my wonderful, wonderful reading fun.  I was busy reading Reremouse's Snakes and Ladders when everything fell apart.   I got up on Sunday, November 3rd feeling all kinds of out of sorts and hurting.  By that night I had passed out three times.  Everytime I was standing too long.  And too long was 5 minutes.  When I got up on Monday I was feeling a little better, but by Monday night it was bad again.  My legs and back were on fire.  JUst horrible pain and nothing helped.  Not tylenol, or advil or aspirin.    And then the swelling started.  So on Tuesday I was in too much pain to do anything other than cry.  On Wednesday, I called my brother to ask if he could send me some help to shower and clean up my apartment before I called the paramedics.  (I hadn't bathed in a couple of days.  I didn't want to go to the hospital with a funky booty.)  (Plus there is always the issue of cute fire men.)    He sent me one of his girls, I got cleaned up and called the paramedics.   The first thing the hospital found was that I had a fever and an infection, a bad one in my blood.  My body was septic.  I was admitted to the hospital.  I hadn't peed in a few days and my kidneys and other organs had begun to shut down.  So they started pumping tons of water into me.  Ten bags in 6 hours.  On my second day there they told me I had Deep Vein Thrombosis in both legs.  Lots and lots of huge clots that extended from below my belly button to my toes, in both legs, and through my hips.   Well! I was started on a heparin IV right away.   I was in the critical unit of Kaiser.  My first doctor was great.  I was told that I needed a PIC line.  Because I was going to need antibiotics for 6 weeks because they couldn't figure out where the bacteria was coming from.  A PIC line is when they set up an IV line through the upper arm with a tiny tube that leads to your heart.  So that you can give yourself the antibiotics at home.   Oh Joy.

Medical Medical
and i, meself
missty_blue
Okay so a few years ago I passed out at my desk at work. Unfortunately, having sleep problems, I hadn't slept in over six months, not even an hour okay, my co-workers thought I was sleeping and decided to allow me to get some shut eye.  When I finally "woke up" I was speaking in cartoon speak.  I don't know how else to explain it.  They said I was talking about toes and mickey mouse.  Fortunately the "ill on the job" officer sits directly across from me and realized that something was wrong with me.  They made me go to the employee doctor and he told me to go home until I saw my regular doctor and it was decided if I could work regular hours.  I guess I should mention that I have stage IV Endometriosis and have had 4 surgeries, etc. etc.  So, I went home and waited for my HMO appointment to arrive.  During those two weeks, I passed out several times and twice was in front of my parents who called my doctor's office spoke to a doctor on call (not mine, mind you) who decided that my mother was right and we shouldn't have to wait until I was passing out every single day.   Long story short I was admitted that day.  Three days later I was moved to cardiac ICU.  A couple of fist sized clots in my left lung on top of my heart,, hypertensive aortic activity, blah blah blah.                       She's gonna die.   But they didn't tell me.  Until the following year, when in spite of my medication, they found two more fist sized clots, in my right lung.       Then they couldn't tell me enough.  So I waited to die a couple of years.  And now here I am.  My hair has fallen out, my teeth are falling out.  I can't eat solid foods without it coming back to haunt me and the bathroom.  Andd the pain is outrageous.  Meanwhile, I'm still passing out.  THey haven't even tried to figure out why I pass out 'cause they say everything else is emergent.                    So what's a girl to do.  I'll tell you what, when my brain is working I read.  Lots and lots of fan fiction.  BTVS and ATS always my favorites.            And I apologize here and now to everyone I've ever asked the same question two or three or more times.             And guess what, they still don't know why I can't sleep.  It's going on two and a half years.  They say I'm a medical mystery because you're supposed to die without sleep.       Should I be grateful?   It's so hard to think sometimes.  It takes me hours to get ready to go to the doctor.  I brush my teeth.  I have to lay down and rest.  I wash my face.  I have to lay down.  It takes so long to get up the energy for a shower.  I'm always afraid I'll pass out.  And yes, I have fallen quite a few times in there.  I live alone.  So I just lay there until I can catch my breath.  But I'm here and ready for devo79 Devo79 and her xangel writings.  Anything, especially mpreg.  Who knew I'd love it so much.  or fangstress Fangstress and her Hive fiction.  Oxygen Magnesium!

Okay I'm about to spout out lots of medical crap - You have been warned....
and i, meself
missty_blue
Do you know how to separate the real doctors from those just playing dress up?  Tell them about being born premature.  Tell them you know someone who was born having their very first period.  Tell them you know someone who was born anemic, chronically anemic.  If they say "ppshaw!  No such thing!"  Get rid of them.  You are not in the presence of a real doctor.  Believe me, I know.  Because that is me and my medical records do not lie.    Not the factual stuff anyway.  My drivers' license doesn't count.  It will always say that I weigh 130 pounds.  No Matter What.

Okay I'm about to spout out lots of medical crap - You have been warned....
and i, meself
missty_blue
Do you know how to separate the real doctors from those just playing dress up?  Tell them about being born premature.  Tell them you know someone who was born having their very first period.  Tell them you know someone who was born anemic, chronically anemic.  If they say "ppshaw!  No such thing!"  Get rid of them.  You are not in the presence of a real doctor.  Believe me, I know.  Because that is me and my medical records do not lie.    Not the factual stuff anyway.  My drivers' license doesn't count.  It will always say that I weigh 130 pounds.  No Matter What.

Save a horse
and i, meself
missty_blue

I walk into a bar:

I sit down at the bar.

Me:  Are there any cowboys here?

Bartender:  Yeah.  Plenty.

Guy:  What do you want with a cowboy?

Me:  I'm trying to save a horse.     


Medicine and Knees
and i, meself
missty_blue
You know I chose that particular Avatar because of the crooked knees.  They are so much like mine.           One is crooked because it got broken in a car accident.  The other is crooked because I had water on my knee for 5 years that I couldn't get rid of.  I also wasn't allowed surgery because of other medical issues. It hurts so much right now.  I was told that it would get better when I lost weight.  As if the other issues have nothing to do with the pain.  That is so ridiculous and it makes me so mad.  The problems and pain were there way before the weight.  Fix the problem people!

Wish Prompt
and i, meself
missty_blue
I have no idea where I could post ideas for a fic to be written or an idea to be included in a fic.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned before about that telepathy that Willow and the other scoobies seemed to have at will.  I would love to see
that included in a fic when one of them gets into some serious trouble and no one is aware of it.  And then out of the blue, bam!

"Calling all scoobies...Come in scoobies...  So and so is in trouble.  Send help now."

Not those words.  But I think you get my meaning.  It's time for some nick-of-time save-age.

Spike Rape Soul Stuff
and i, meself
missty_blue

I'm glad I stumbled across another essay about Buffy's 'attempted rape' by Spike.  There was a lot of talk about him redeeming himself by seeking his soul.  But I wonder why everyone assumes Spike wanted his soul back?  I never got the impression that was what he wished to gain by succeeding in the demon trials.

Didn't he say something like "make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves?"

I thought he was fighting for a chip so that he could get his revenge. He got the soul instead.  Which hurt him, much more than it helped her.  In my opinion anyway.

Plus, like so many others have said, he was immediately contrite, and horrified by what he had done.  The soul was not necessary for penance.

It was the other's assumptions that he would naturally do something so horrific to someone he supposedly loved and 'would never hurt' that really got to him, I think.  Xander jumping him, and his inability to fight back.


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